I am alone.
Watching the sunset on this empty beach, I am alone.
The world behind me is shrouded in darkness, save the city lights in the distance. Yet even they are muted and dull, a shadow of their distant glory.
I take a breath of sea air, looking at the fading sun with a bittersweet smile. In the light of day, you cannot gaze toward the sun. Yet in the fleeting moments of dawn and twilight, it reveals an intro and outro more beautiful than the climax of its journey. I wonder if humans are the same, perhaps we can only savor life in its beginning and value it in its end.
Another musing, I know not the answer too.
I tilt my head to see the sky from a different perspective. The warm rays blended in vibrant pink and orange hues, begin to darken in the rippled clouds. Like a child hiding bashfully behind their mother, the sun drifts beyond the sea.
As the last light fades, I reach my hand toward it. Yet as sure as it will rise, the sun will fall. I lower my hand, my smile disappearing as the darkness creeps forth from the shadowed sea. Somewhere far beyond the rolling waves, morning has come; a paradox of a beginning and end that are one. Yet as the cold of night envelops me, I have no hand to hold for warmth.
The moon has now risen above, alighting the white beach with its gentle glow. I kneel on the sand, splaying my hands over the fragments of what once was.
From the symphony of rolling waves to silver moonlight kissing the ocean’s surface, the beauty of the night can not be taken away by its chill.
In the midst of dark loneliness, the lull of peaceful waves soothes my conflicted mind. And as I stand, I let the ocean breeze wrap me in its gentle embrace. I take a breath, lifting my gaze toward the moon peeking through a haze of gloomy clouds. Even in the shadow of solitude, life’s beauty lights a flame in my cold heart.
The distant clouds pull back, revealing the radiance of a sparkling night sky. It is like the unveiling of a million diamonds, only the heavens are far more beautiful. Starlight dances in my vision and I find myself frozen in awe. With shaking fingers I reach my hand toward the universe, finding comfort in my insignificance.
For one beautiful and glorious moment, I am free. There are no thoughts nor cares, as my heart pulses and I am consumed with the feeling of being alive. With laughter bubbling from my lips, I run on silver sand, reaching toward an unseen line where the sea meets the sky. And yet at that moment, as my feet enter the ocean and the waves lap at my ankles, I stop.
How can I aim for the stars when the sky goes on forever?
My hand falls to my side and all the brilliance of euphoria is gone. I drop to my knees, letting the ocean’s rhythm swirl around my trembling legs. As the waves become stronger, my thoughts and memories swell like a sea of chaos.
I close my eyes, thinking of all the paths that have crossed mine. The ambitions of such resonance, that in their shadows my beating heart is a mere whisper. Those who chase the stars with pulsing passion are vibrant blazes of existence; and yet here in this lonely night I am simply a spark.
And yet, is it not a spark that lights the flame? I open my eyes, blinking in the moon’s reflection that shimmers on the sea. Though the moon has no light of its own, it illuminates the darkness simply because it exists. I look out at the sparkling sea, which would not be alight if there was no moon in the sky. Perhaps in the effort to blaze through the darkness, I have lost sight of what it means to be alive.
I dip my hand into glistening waters, letting the gentle current swirl around my wrist. Like the rhythm of a heart that creates a song by just beating, in the flowing of the waves through my fingertips I feel the ocean’s pulse. An undertow that moves beneath the surface unseen, a force that hides its sway in both stillness and deluge; the ocean in all its glorious chaos, has a sense of order in which even the smallest ripple has a part to play.
I stand to my feet, water dripping down my legs as I once again look up at the night sky. Like the shards of a shattered diamond thrown out into the universe, so shine the stars. Yet there is one glimmer that gleams brighter than the others. I feel a smile tug at my lips as I am bewitched by the star’s dancing light, and I cannot help but wonder, what is its name? Yet in the little understanding I have, there is no answer. My smile fades as I wonder if a price could be given to the heavens what would it be? What arbitrary value would humanity give to that faraway star? It is so beautiful, so bright and yet it seems so lonely.
My vision blurs as I blink and my mind races with thoughts.
Is the breath of a human worth more than that distant star? If so, why do we silence our minds already so fragmented?
I turn away from the majestic sea, looking back at a dim and muted city whose lights seem almost a mirage. I wonder how many lie awake with fingers clenched around tear-stained sheets, shattering under life’s pressure as they wait for the morning to come and bring light to their sorrow.
Why do we break our beautiful hearts till they begin to lose their sparkle? I look back at the sky, the familiar tear in my chest pulling at its stitches.
Is it an effort to shine brighter than any star before? Or is it a cry, to be seen and heard through the darkness of pain and despair?
I almost laugh at my thoughts more chaotic than the rolling waves. Why do I question what cannot be answered?
“Because I am human.”
At least in that, I have a glimpse of understanding.
With slow steps I walk onto the white sand that bears the imprints of past memories. At the edges of my bare toes a set of small impressions lead back to the sea. They are the last trace of a moment that is now lost forever in the past. I study the patterns around me with a bittersweet smile. For when the tide comes in, all the footprints in the sand will be washed away regardless of who made them. In light of this, it seems strange to try and walk in the steps of others when you could leave your own path.
On the horizon, faint rays of the sun begin to color the darkness with hues of morning light. I gaze at the sky, watching the moon retreat beyond my line of vision, accepting its fate of always being second to the light of day. Yet despite the promise of warmth and clear blue skies, I cannot help but miss the dark and beautiful nightscape.
Perhaps I am destined to be like the moon, a reflection of all I cannot be. Quietly facing the sun, yearning to know its warmth. If this is to be my fate, then I will look toward the future with acceptance. For though my path may lead in a different direction and my eyes gaze from a different point of view, it is not of a wrong nature. I smile in the light of dawn, swaying with the ocean breeze as the last twinkling star disappears from the heavens. If I cannot be a star-chaser then I will be a star-watcher.
© Faith Fawks
Photo by M.E.F